Belching & Fadging

I hope this doesn't come across as incoherent, but I have been doing a lot of thinking about our dear Toby, and not a whole lot of documentation. I had a somewhat minor spew the other day in rehearsal, but I think I owe us all something a bit more substantial. I'm not exactly sure where I want to start, so I'm just going to let the spraying begin.

I was doing some thinking regarding what was said today in class about what makes us hate. If it's true that our repulsion of a person or characteristic is only the result of the recognition of the same trait within ourselves, that raises some very interesting questions about our dear Toby.

"I am sure care's an enemie to life." Now Toby, as he is presented to us in the play, is given to constant drunkenness and debauchery, and has nothing but contempt for structure and discipline. He is a symbol of freedom and the suspension of inhibition, and this is a source of great friction between he and the hyper-prudent Malvolio.

It is for this reason that I find Sir Toby's history in the military extremely intriguing. Toby was a soldier, and presumably, a very good one, judging from the reverence he is given by some of his peers. But the military (at least from my intimate exposure to it) is all about DISCIPLINE. It's where young, reckless kids go to get their acts together and make something of themselves. Because in the military, if you fuck up, or if you're not on top of your shit, you get the shit slapped out of you (at least, it used to be like that, although not so much anymore). So, at some point, in order to rise through the ranks, Toby must have adhered pretty religously to the structure he now denounces, and I think the reason he is so insistent on distancing himself from that lifestyle, is that it reminds him of the atrocities he comitted while serving.

On top of his guilt, it seems to me that Sir Toby is someone who has quit trying simply because he's afraid of FAILURE. There is a great deal of self doubt, and that's why Maria, Sir Andrew, and Malvolio are so important to him. They make him feel validated, and provide him with an identity that he can tolerate. I believe Malvolio is particularly precious to him, because he provides Toby with a target upon which he can unleash his resentment for the structure that used to dominate his life. Toby, I think, has come to define himself not by what he is, but what he refuses to be. "I don't care who Toby is. Just as long as he's nothing like Malvolio."

Kate Rusby's "Sleepless Sailor" song goes:

I once was a sailor, a young man and brave
My nights were once sleepless
My peace I would crave
Carry me home to the sea

There was a time in his life when Toby felt like a hero. He loved fighting, and serving, and he loved the discipline of the military, but to be a part of that world, meant he had to continue to take life. In the same way the sailor loved the sea that would kill him, Toby felt most alive and heroic when he was causing pain and death, and he knew he had to escape.

This is why Maria and Andrew are so dear him, because they make him feel like the hero he always wanted to be. Maria distracts him and reminds him he deserves to be loved, and Andrew provides him with the most genuine relationship he's had since he retired. I believe Toby's super-objective is along the lines of "Absolve me from my sins, and love me in the way I can no longer love myself."

A couple other thoughts:

Toby's...

Element- Earth. Think plate tectonics. On the earth's surface, flowers grow, and can smell wonderful, and the sun can beat down and make the ground feel soft and warm, and everything seems solid but underneath there is ubearable heat, pressure, tension, and the potential for an earthquake at any minute.

Color- Purple. The pride, showmanship, and passion of red. The heart, the sadness, and the longing of blue.

Animal- I was thinking Kodiak, but I liked the thought about the gorilla. I obviously want something with a great deal of weight and power, that also has a propensity for lethargy and gluttony. There needs to be enormous pride, but without the grace of a lion or other feline. I love the idea of a placid exterior with enormous potential energy and danger.

I'd like to explore Toby's addiction more, as well, so I'll try to dig up some stuff about that in the next couple days.